One of the hardest parts of being in an emergency, survival state all the time is the toll that it takes on friendships. Having children whose ups and downs change like the weather is stressful. Add to that a crazy divorce situation, life in a very family focused master planned community and I have myself a very isolating life at times.
On one hand, I want to laugh and forget about all the craziness of the day or week at hand. I crave alone time and need to recoup from the stress of the day's worries. On the other hand, I NEED, by my very nature, to talk, discuss and analyze everything. Seriously, I am working on that, but I really crave talking it through! I have gotten great at doing what I call the friend shuffle. I have friends that I can talk with about the medical challenges my kids are facing. I have different friends that I can vent at about my ex-husband or our upcoming court date. And I have other friends that I can chat with about the latest goings-on at the elementary school or my continual frustration about the special education program, or lack there of, about my daughter's brownie troop or about the price of gas. But it is so very rare to have one friend who can hear it all. Most people can't take it. They get overwhelmed by my life very easily. And I totally get it! It's hard to be a good friend to someone whose life isn't easy. It's even harder to be a friend when all you want to do is fix it and you can't.
I've been feeling very lonely. I wonder if I'll ever find another someone to share this all with. I ponder what kind of person could even take this on and how on earth I could even begin to think about the d word. Dating after the dissolution of a 13 year relationship and birthing 2 kids is very daunting to say the least. But mostly I long for finding the kind of friend that I aspire to be to others. The kind of friend who will listen at all hours of the night or who will take your kids or laugh with you until it hurts. It makes me sad to think that wanting a deeper more meaningful connection with a friend is somehow a bad thing these days. When our kids are out of the house (which will be here in a flash!) and we are on our own, we will need friends. So why not take the time, even if it's just a bit here and there, to nurture those friendships now?
With Mitochondrial Disease, there is NO predictability. There is no "normal" because most days, it isn't. At the drop of a hat, plans change, emotions run high, and friends get angry because yet another crisis has occurred that has detoured the plan. It's also affected my kids' friendships. For my daughter, she has become so compassionate but also a lot more comfortable being alone. Just the other day she stood up to someone who was being very cruel to a classmate. She did what none of the other kids would. And I was so darn proud of her bravery. But at the same time, Maddie has divorced parents. She will not be as free as her friends for play-dates, because often she is with her father on weekends. And she gets left out a lot, since many friends assume she can't do this or that because of our custodial time. Or else Jackson is sick and we have to stay home. For my son, he has very few friends. His frequent absences from school are off-putting to most first graders. Every time he is out for a week or two or three he has to readjust and try to insert himself socially into groups of kids that are already connected and already have a play time routine. He is lonely too and that breaks my heart. My daughter's friends are generous in letting him hang out. But it's not the same.
At the end of the day, there are some people in my life who keep me from falling apart and who answer my calls and who call me on my bullshit without making it about them. Those are real friends and I'll hang onto them as long as I can.
To all my real friends. . . thank you for putting up with my ranting and raving. Thank you for listening to medical situations that seem unfathomable to you and for not asking me to define every term you don't know. Thank you for STILL asking how I am and for accepting it when I say I'm fine and you know I'm not. That facade is so important some days. But most importantly thank you for not putting me off, for being honest when my life overwhelms yours and for realizing that what I need most in acceptance and a good glass of wine and a friend to listen to me. I love you!
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